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Within the last 4 months I’ve had a deep desire to grow spiritually.  What does that mean to me?  Simply put, drawing closer to God and hiding His word in my heart. Here’s the problem.  I can’t hide his word in my heart if I can’t remember what I’ve read. Retaining information has always been a struggle.  In recent years the hippocampus lobe of my brain doesn’t seem to be functioning well.

When I read, most of the time, I can give you an overview of what I’ve read, (after I’ve read it 10 times) but I can’t provide specific details.  As I write this, I’m reminded of a time in third grade. I don’t know how I ended up in the smartest third grade classroom, but I did. Far from being a doltish individual, it does take me a bit longer to wrap my head around information. 

Trying to keep up with my classmates, led to a parent-teacher conference. In case you missed it, I couldn’t keep up. During the meeting, many things were said, and I remember it left my mom in a state of reinforcing how much she loved me and how proud of me she was.  That affirmation made me try harder. 

The next day, the teacher gave a class assignment to read a story and be prepared to answer questions.  Question time came and I was hyped. Not sure if the teacher allotted more time for me to read, but I felt like I knew, in detail, what the story was about. The firing squad began, and I was answering questions left and right. Yep, my teacher, at that time was a firing squad all by herself. A very proud moment for me.

Unfortunately, that is what it was, a moment. Since that day I have continued to struggle with retaining information. Reading the bible is no exception.  It’s weird.  While I can’t quote to many bible scriptures off the top of my heard, if someone says, such and such is in the bible I can quickly attest to the accuracy. The same is true in the reverse.

If someone says something that is not in the bible, I can quickly attest and point them in the right direction. Does this mean to some degree I am retaining information? 

Maybe, right? At the most inopportune times, I can be giving words of encouragement to someone and all a sudden I will rattle off a bible verse.  As soon as I’m done speaking with the individual, under my breath I say to God, I know that was only you. 

There is no way I recited that scripture all on my own. I’ve also experienced this randomness of saying scripture in my prayers. Weird, right? Why is it in everyday communication, I can’t rattle off a single scripture.  I mean aside from the ones that we are all familiar with. 

To be clear, it’s not just about quoting scripture. However I find safety in knowing that when my thoughts spiral, or I need to repeat God’s promises, I can pull them from my memory bank vs. using google.  Not that there is anything wrong with using google. Now, you probably are saying, who doesn’t struggle with reading the bible.

The parables, the culture, who said what, when, and where. I don’t disagree, but I can’t keep using that line as if it’s an exemption of sorts.  As much as I read the bible, you would think I can remember it cover to cover. I can’t.  This heavily weights on me.  Why? Because, what I feel in my heart, I can’t accurately convey in speech form in a scriptural way. 

I feel the exact opposite of II Timothy 4:15 and when I pray, I struggle to repeat God’s word back to him. I can keep going, but these are top of mind feelings. During my devotion time yesterday, II Peter 1: 5-8 got my attention.

Faith + Virtue + Knowledge + Temperance + Patience + Godliness + Brotherly Kindness + Charity

For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. As I type this I wonder if the latter part of this verse describes me.  A moment ago, I told you all that I have random moments of when scriptures flow from my mouth. I never know when it’s going to happen or whose around to hear it.

Perhaps, where I thought I was barren and unfruitful, maybe, just maybe, I’m not. I might not be able to recite a scripture as quickly as I would like. I do know that when it’s needed, the Holy Spirit is right there bringing them to my remembrance. Do you struggle with retaining what the bible says?  If yes, how did you overcome it or are you still working on that part?

Leave me a comment below.

Ease & Stillness,

Chetoca B.